6 Lessons in Normalizing Dating and Marriage From Celebs and the Creators of #BlackLoveDoc

We live in a society where we often look at celebrity couples and even everyday normal relationships as the epitome of #RelationshipGoals. We see the proposals, the wedding pictures, the trips, and the lifestyles. We aspire to be just like them despite the fact that we’re not privy to everything that goes on beyond what see on social media or television. Hence, it causes some of us to have relationship goals but unrealistic expectations, or live in a fantasy world when it comes to dating and marriage.  

But what happens when you get a group of couples in a room who are willing to be transparent and honest about their relationship woes and not just their relationship goals? Enter: Clips and Conversations event presented by the #BlackLoveDoc series (OWN Network). Similar to every episode from season one, the event showcased beautiful love stories, but in a way that “normalizes marriage;” which was one of the main reasons that inspired the creators – Codie and Tommy Oliver – to do the show. Because of the show and events like this, married people like me, and even single people, can relate and are empowered and encouraged by their stories.

The event featured a panelist of couples from the upcoming new season including: basketball legend Grant Hill and his lovely wife – the talented, grammy-nominated Tamia – as well as Todd and Alicia from Atlanta. The couples were so candid and real about their experiences, and even though there were numerous key nuggets and lessons revealed that night, I wanted to share some of the lessons that aren’t always proactively shared and promoted about dating and relationships.

Lesson 1 – The journey to love is different for everyone.   

When Grant Hill and Tamia kicked off the event by sharing the story about their first date, he admitted that he left his wallet on purpose to see what Tamia was going to do. You can imagine the shock and awe heard throughout the audience, but Tamia also confessed that she kind of tricked Grant into thinking that she was a great cook when that wasn’t necessarily the case. The traditional narrative for a so-called picture perfect relationship often inc

ludes that the man has to pay for the first date or the woman has to be a great cook in order to be a great wife.

Codie/Tommy: “We think the dating process has to be perfect or a certain way…We met and got engaged six months later.”

The first date may not have gone as one would’ve imag

ined or it may even be hard to believe that you can experience true love after dating for only a short time. Nevertheless, Grant and Tamia have been together for more than twenty years, and things seem to be gong well for Codie and Tommy. Don’t be so consumed with trying to create the picture-perfect love story that you end up missing the opportunity to experience a unique and real journey towards love.

Lesson 2 – You don’t have to force love. When it happens, it happens.

Tamia: “I wasn’t thinking I want to get married and have children. We were just enjoying each other, but there’s always the point when you ask yourself ‘where are we going or what are we doing.’”

Grant: “I was traveling from Detroit to LA on the regular to go see her.” It just felt natural from the time we met. [Eventually] I called her and said let’s define what this is. I asked her ‘am I your Detroit piece [or is it something more]?’

This is a great example of the fact that it’s okay to let things flow as long as you know where things are headed and as long as both parties are headed in the same direction. Keep in mind, there’s a difference between letting things happen naturally versus trying to force things to happen.

Moreover, it further confirms that when a man wants to be with you, he’ll be with you. Point. Blank. Period.

Lesson 3 – Nothing truly prepares you for marriage until you’re actually married.  

Grant: “You can never really be prepared for marriage. Any moment you do it is the right time.”

Tamia: “You’re always constantly working on yourself. There are moments when something inside of me is telling me ‘don’t say it, don’t say it,’ but I say it anyway.”

Tommy: “I didn’t know how much I didn’t know; that’s why we did this show. We’ve learned a lot but putting it to muscle memory is hard.”

I can attest to the fact that pre-marital counseling definitely helps, but the real work starts when you actually get married.

Lesson 4 – “Marriage is self-love for two.” – Codie 

Codie: “Learn how to value yourself so that you know what it looks like when someone is not valuing you. Spend time making sure that you’re happy with you who are. Be what you seek. Be the happiest, healthiest person you can be.”

There’s a great quote that says “there is no happy we without a happy me” and “in order to have marital wealth you need emotional health.” One cannot begin to adequately love someone else if you don’t don’t first learn how to love yourself.

Lesson 5 – Everybody has issues but “couples who make it are committed to being committed.” – Tommy

If any couple tells you they never have issues or they never argue, don’t believe the hype. Trust me, my husband gets on my last nerve sometimes and I know I get on his. Every couple goes through seasons and situations – whether big or small. But we’re committed to fighting for each other than against each other. 

Sometimes, it’s easy to think that what you’re going through is unique to your marriage experience until you talk to other married couples and realize that they, too, go through similar situations. As Codie mentioned during the event, “it helps put things into perspective,” which in turn can be the difference between giving up or submitting to the idea that some things are just a normal part of marriage.

Lesson 6 – Your marriage won’t be like everybody else’s marriage. 

Tamia: “Don’t focus on what others are doing in their relationship. I used to look at other wives like ‘she goes to every game, she cooks all the time, she’s in great shape, etc.’ but what works for them works for them but may not work for you, and what works for you may not work for them. You are not your parents or your friends.”

Todd/Alicia: “Don’t look at social media and TV like that’s what it’s going to be, but also don’t give up [when certain issues arise].”

Marriage isn’t one-size-fits-all. You have to do what works for you. I think Grant Hill summed it up best when he said, “I’m no marriage expert. We just do us.” I think that’s one of the best things any of us can do for our marriage.