What do I do when I start to feel disconnected in my marriage?
“How on earth are we going to make it through this?”
“Is this what marriage is supposed to be like?”
“I don’t know how much more I can take.”
“I don’t know if we’re going to make it.”
As a married woman, at some point in my life, I have either felt or said one or more of these statements, or I’ve heard someone else say them. Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us that, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…” Hence, it’s totally natural to experience growth challenges in a marriage and understand that everyday won’t feel like the honeymoon. I’m just keeping it real, and anyone who tells you differently isn’t being honest with you or themselves.
Recently, my husband came across a passage in one of his daily readings that said, “There are couples who do not connect – they exist. The goal is to connect with your spouse in every way and not just exist in a marriage.” I don’t know about you but I don’t want to merely exist in my marriage, but I can admit that we’ve had moments when we felt disconnected for some reason or another. However, we’ve always been able to find a way to work through it, and here are some of the things that have worked for us.
Re-commit to prayer and spiritual growth.
I don’t know if this is true for anyone else, but my husband and I can tell when we haven’t been praying or reading the Bible like we should. It’s obvious in the way we talk to each other, or how we treat each other. Hence, there are times when we have to get back on our “prayer game” – both individually and collectively. We can pray all day for each other, but if we’re not praying together, then we might as well be living in separate houses. Like they say, “A couple that prays together stays together.”
Tip: Devote more time to pray, study, and meditate together.
Recharge your mind, body and soul.
When it comes to juggling everything that comes with life (responsibilities, work, family, community service), it can be overwhelming. Nonetheless, if one of us is overwhelmed, then usually the other one is too, or someone ends up affected by the stress of the other. One of the best ways we like to recharge is to take some time away – just me and him. Even if you can’t afford or manage to go somewhere long distance, a nice “stay-cation” can always do the trick too. We actually did that one year for our anniversary and it was wonderful!
Tip: Take a quick little getaway to a neighboring city. Try a couple’s massage, plan an overnight stay, or even a lengthy trip/vacation.
Remove the distractions.
There are a number of things that distract us in life, but nowadays social media, and anything online for that matter, is a sure fire way that can cause two people to become or feel disconnected. Because of what I do creatively, social media plays a huge part in a lot of what I do, and even though my husband isn’t on social media like that, he is constantly on his phone searching for the latest news headlines, breaking stories and checking his fantasy football stats during the season. So, now we’re more cognizant about using our phones less and limiting certain distractions.
Tip: Try creating agreements like no cell phones during dinner, and other ideas to help focus more on each other.
Refresh the romance.
Listen, I know everyday isn’t going to feel like the honeymoon, and life, children and other responsibilities may not always allow for a fun and exhilarating date night every single week, let alone every single month. Nevertheless, when we set aside time for just each other, it helps remind us of how things were when we first started dating. When I think about romance, I think of it as simply putting in some effort – whether through creative planning, time, money or other resources.
Tip: If you can’t remember the last time you went to the movies, saw a play, went to a museum, tried a new restaurant, put on something sexy or kinky, sent or received a special gift “just because,” then it may be time to refresh the romance.
Rekindle the intimacy.
Intimacy – also known as closeness, care, tenderness, affection – is critical. It’s that thing that transforms “situationships” and shallow relationships into deep, loving, genuine relationships. Romance is what we do to woo or win each other over; but intimacy and connectedness is ultimately what secures the bond. Intimacy can be as deep as love-making, caressing each other’s bodies, or as simple as sitting in the bed laughing and talking with each other. It’s moments like those that often make us feel the most connected.
Tip: Turn off the TV, turn off the phones, and the laptops, and try to remember what it feels like just to be in each other’s company.
Revise your schedule and re-ignite the fun and friendship!
Part of being a good friend/spouse means being open and honest, and communicating with each other. Plus, friends have fun together. We get so used to our routines that sometimes we forget to do the fun stuff. So, there are nights when instead of following our normal routines, we decide to bring out the cards, binge watch some shows, or have an impromptu date night on a weekday.
Tip: Make an effort to have fun together, and schedule a fun activity at home or offsite.
Reach up and out for help.
While it’s great to talk to trustworthy friends/family and other married couples, it’s also helpful to reach out to licensed therapists or counselors when necessary. Books are great too! My husband will tell you, we are not ashamed to reach out and ask for help. The benefits of enlisting the help of a counselor is: 1) You can talk to someone who will provide an unbiased opinion or solution, 2) They can evaluate the situation and provide a new or better perspective, and 3) You don’t have to worry about your business ending up out in the street.
Tip: Whether it’s through the help of others who are experienced with this marriage thing, a counselor, or even a great book, don’t be afraid to seek help.
Reconcile and reset.
I believe one of the main reasons why we start to feel disconnected from our spouses is because we’re too connected to their past. We can’t expect to keep moving forward if we’re stuck in the past. Trust me, forgiveness is difficult all the way around. That’s why there are so many books about it, but when it comes to love and marriage forgiveness is not an option; it’s a requirement. If I want God to continue to forgive me for my shortcomings, then I have to do the same when it comes to my spouse.
Tip: Forgive and move forward.
It is my prayer that some of these tips, if not all of them, will help inspire you or someone else to reconnect where you feel there may be a disconnect. May your love be reignited through the love of Christ and your willingness to please Him, which in turn will ultimately please your spouse through your love and actions.
If you have other suggestions, please feel free to leave them in the comments below as well.
