I Want to Be Celibate But My Boyfriend Doesn’t
Q: I’m getting closer to my guy friend but the same conversation keeps coming up about sex before marriage. This morning God moved me to reiterate my standards and to affirm that I will not compromise if we enter into a relationship. Then the flood gates opened. In the beginning he kept assuring me that “he would try.” But the closer we get to being in a relationship that kind of talk goes out of the window. And at a time I got to the point where I was like, I’m going to fall. Well the days I get my fight back he goes from “I’ll try” to “there’s no way.” I then find myself debating the Word of God with someone who doesn’t seem to believe. I say I trust in God’s timing to give me the desires of my heart and he says if God’s timing is when he’s 40 then he can’t wait or “who’s to say we’ll get married?” It’s disheartening to say the least. I need spiritual counsel. I like him a lot and see so much potential. I’ve prayed and continue to pray. Bottom line, I just don’t WANT to walk away. I don’t know what to do. ~ Miss Celibate
Miss Celibate, I commend you for being brave and striving to do something that some would consider as crazy or even impossible especially today in 2014. We live in a society where they don’t necessarily make you feel good about being a virgin or celibate whether it’s for spiritual reasons or other personal reasons.
We do, however, have to be honest and realistic and acknowledge that this isn’t something men are used to hearing nowadays, which is unfortunate, especially considering the fact that it’s pretty much an open playground when it comes to sex and dating. Plus, he has to know just how important it is to you, that you’re serious and that you’re not just playing games with him. So, it may just take a little time for him to determine whether or not the relationship is serious enough to make this commitment or for him to warm up to the idea. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean you have to lower your standards to accommodate him.
Depending on how long you two have been together (or will be in the future), I’m not sure if it’s too early to say if it’s real love or not. However, when I first consulted my husband about this as well, the first thing he said was, “If he really loves her, then he would be on the same page.” Yes, it’s coming from a married man but know that it’s also coming from a man who at one time or another was in the similar situation as your current boyfriend…or “friend.”
When my husband and I first started dating, it started off basically just like every other past relationship. But I was at a point in my life where I was tired of the doing the same thing. For me, personally, I wanted to get to know someone beyond just a physical attraction. So, I decided I wanted to be celibate but I had to figure out how to tell him considering the fact that things didn’t necessarily start out that way. Initially I thought, “There’s no way this guy is going to want to be with me knowing that I want to be celibate.” But anything is possible especially if you trust God to provide exactly who or what you need.
After talking about it, we realized we both wanted something different for our relationship. So, even though we weren’t engaged yet, we decided we would wait until we were married, which happened almost two years later. To serve as a reminder of our commitment, he even went as far as to purchase a “promise” ring for me, which I still have today.
Was it easy? Heck no! Also, keep in mind that we’re talking about a guy who at one time declared – before I came along – that he would never be celibate with a woman. Little did he know, eventually he would think it was worth making a commitment to God and a woman he truly cared about. It was nothing but God and self-discipline because our flesh was saying something else. It’s never easy when you’re so physically and emotionally attracted to someone as much as we were, but we did our best. Plus, it allowed us to get to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level.
One thing’s for sure, it definitely made a difference in our relationship. Sometimes, and for some people, sex can complicate things and it can create unnecessary issues. I can remember in some of my past relationships, the so-called physical stability actually made me emotionally unstable because I was connected to something that wasn’t supposed to be connected to me. I used to be paranoid and had issues with trust. However, because my husband and I didn’t make sex the foundation for our relationship I wasn’t consumed with thoughts about what he was doing and/or who he was doing it with. Overall, our relationship felt more solid, more real and made it even that much more exciting as we waited in anticipation for the big day!
Now, does this mean if you have sex before marriage that you’ll go to hell or your relationship won’t last? Absolutely not. That’s between you and the Lord. For my husband and I, however, this was something we prayed about and decided to do for our own relationship and everyone’s walk with Christ is different. Nobody is perfect and we’re definitely not a perfect couple, but that was at least one part of our relationship that we wanted to change based on what we believed.
If you two are truly spiritually connected, try praying with each other. Pray for him and continue talking through it as the relationship grows. No matter what, stay true to your personal beliefs and standards. If it seems as if you two don’t necessarily share the same morals and values, then there could be a deeper issue and it’s possible that he’s the right guy but maybe not right for your or it’s not the right time.
Yes, some people will say you’re crazy or think it’s a ridiculous request during this day and time but you don’t have to risk your moral peace and spiritual values for anyone. Trust me, some people just won’t get it, but I’ll leave you with this verse to help encourage you:
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galations 1:10
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