Married Without Children – Please Don’t Judge Me
Some of us dream of becoming a mother/working mother with a family of 3 or a family of 10. We all dream of success in some way or another as a: wife, teacher, activist, entertainer, journalist, professor, social worker, lawyer, doctor, manager, CEO, minister, etc. Each of us have different goals and aspirations. So, why then do we judge others who choose to live their lives differently, or pressure people into doing what we want them to do?
Their expectations. My life
At different stages of life, people expect you to get married or have kids by a certain age or have a certain type of career or education. But oftentimes it’s based on their opinions and not so much our own vision and/or God’s vision for our lives. God has a different plan for everyone.
I’m often looked at as weird or hear common phrases like “usually it’s the man who doesn’t want to have kids” simply because I’m not in a rush to have children. People assume that if someone doesn’t want to have kids when others expect them to, that means they don’t want kids at all…and that’s not necessarily true. I admire all mothers and I actually adore children. I think motherhood is such a unique and beautiful experience and witnessing birth is probably the most amazing things I’ve ever seen on Earth!
However, I can honestly admit that I enjoy being with just my husband right now. I enjoy the fact that we can have an impromptu date night whenever we want. I love that we can do things at home without interruption and I love that I can focus on him as well as my own personal goals and dreams. Am I wrong for that? Call it selfish but I would rather feel like that now instead of feeling resentful later on when I do have children.
Besides, society, especially for working mothers, doesn’t always make it easy and the workplace environment isn’t always conducive for someone with a baby (i.e., rising costs of daycare, lack of “mother’s rooms” in Corporate America, unpaid maternity leave, lack of empathy from managers or leadership, etc.).
One thing I’ve learned about being a woman is that you cannot live your life based on what everyone else expects you to be or do. Moreover, as a married woman I’ve also learned that you can’t try and make your marriage like everyone else’s by having children, buying a house or doing certain things.
Crippled by the past? History influences our future decisions.
Not only am I hesitant about giving up some of my freedoms and fun, but I also acknowledge and can admit that a lot of my previous hesitation to having children was influenced by my upbringing. They say, “Marriage is the collision of two histories” and obviously Eric and I came from two different backgrounds: one from a two-parent home and one from a single-parent home.
Growing up without a father and watching your mother work so hard to provide can definitely have an effect on one’s psyche as it relates to having children. Even though my mom NEVER made me feel like I was a burden, I saw so many other single mothers or families struggling to make ends meet on many occasions; so unintentionally and subconsciously I started thinking that having kids was more of a financial burden than a blessing. Moreover, when your dad is never there or never makes an effort and always breaks his promises, your worst fear is that the same thing will happen to you and your children, and of course that’s the last thing you want for you or your children.
I realize, however, that I can’t let my past experiences cripple my future or keep me and our family from future blessings. I have to keep praying and trusting God. Quite frankly, I’m a work in progress. Once you’re able to come to terms about why you feel the way you feel, you’re able to move forward in hopes of creating a new future. Now, after having discussed having children on several occasions, Eric and I have a greater understanding and mutual respect for how we think and feel about having children. Needless to say, if and when the day comes when I’m blessed to have my firstborn I expect to feel and experience an abundance of love like never before and I’ll probably end up saying, “Why did I wait so long” LOL!!
You never know…so, please don’t judge.
Just the other day I was talking to a woman about her decision to have a child after 35 (her son is now 4 years old). We instantly connected after sharing our experiences about being married without children but how people will make you feel bad for waiting. She told me, “I received so much criticism about having a child after 35…but sorry that I chose to wait for the right man and have kids with my husband.”
While I understand people have good intentions, sometimes it’s not always so black and white when it comes to this conversation. Furthermore, we don’t always know the whole story. For example, consider the couple that’s trying to have a baby but for some reason or another it’s not happening as soon as they’d like because of health or infertility issues. There are some women who can have babies as easy and fast as possible, and then there are those who can’t necessarily have children as fast or it’s a little more difficult. I know couples who literally tried and waited years before having their first child or they’re still trying.
For some couples, it’s about timing and/or financial preparation. They say you can never be fully prepared for children no matter how much you try (and I actually believe that), but that still doesn’t mean that everyone will feel as prepared as others to have children. Then, there are some couples who choose to just let it happen naturally in God’s time and none of us can control when that will happen.
I say all that to say, you never know what a couple is going through and whether a couple decides to have a child or not, it’s their decision. People have to realize, it’s not always what you say but how you say it. It’s one thing to have an open and honest conversation with family or friends about having children, but to have limited knowledge about someone and ask her why she hasn’t had children can come off as offensive and/or inconsiderate.
So, before you say to another woman, “You’re not getting any younger,” “You better give that man a child,” or you ask her “What are you waiting on,” consider first her feelings and her privacy because you never know what someone may be going through.
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