I’m married. Now, what?!
It was almost ten years ago when I said “I Do” to my wonderful husband. For me, marriage has been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. But I’ll admit…I was really nervous during the early days and especially the first year. At times I was overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to maneuver through the good and not so good times, deal with growing pains and learning how to be a great wife. Even though we completed a lengthy pre-marital class that helped prepare us, after the wedding I still remember thinking, “I’m married. Now, what?”
It didn’t take long for me to realize that the most important time wasn’t that day; rather it was everything that followed after it. Unfortunately, sometimes we focus too much on planning the wedding and neglect to put in as much time with planning for the rest of our lives.
With marriage, you don’t always know what to expect. It’s one thing to see marriage portrayed on television or in the movies, but it’s another thing to play the part in real life. For some of us, we learn through our parents and family, while some of us simply learn by trial and error.
Nevertheless, I’ve learned over the years that it’s through the experiences, stories and examples of others that we learn how to have a healthy and happy marriage. For me personally, I’ve learned so many things through our parents, our marriage ministry, and even President Barack and First Lady Michelle Obama.
Whether you’ve been married a few months, one year or even 30 years, it doesn’t take long to learn that marriage takes hard work and sometimes you need a little guidance and encouragement. For the couples who have been together for 20, 30, 40 and/or 50 plus years, I think of them as the advice gurus and experts because they’ve been at this thing for so long and they know what it takes to make it last. I commend those who have been married for a very long time.
Because of their wisdom, combined with some of my own personal experiences, here are some of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far about being married and I hope it encourages and helps those of you who, like me, have asked or will soon find themselves asking, “I’m married. Now what?”
1. Make it your goal to please God each and every day and pray daily for you and your spouse.
One thing the devil hates is love/family, but he can’t win with God on your side. If your intent is to please God through your words and actions, then it’ll make it that much easier to strive to please your spouse.
2. Don’t be afraid of counseling – whether reactive or proactive.
There are great books out there that actually provide practical, real-life support and ideas (see a few listed below).*
3. Fight harder for each other than against each other.
Marriage is 100/100, not 50/50. For example, sometimes it’s easy for men to become complacent, but in order to keep her they have to do the things they did to get her (and vice versa). Realizing that God put us together for a greater purpose than ourselves reminds us that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Marriage is hard work so remember to put an effort into your marriage.
4. Learn your spouse’s love language* and communication styles.
Read “The Five Love Languages” (Gary D. Chapman) and other great books* (see list at the end). Knowing each other’s love language helps provide a better understanding for each person and can easily be the difference between an argument lasting a few moments and an argument lasting a few days.
5. Communicate in a real and transparent way and don’t be afraid to be the first to apologize.
I love what Steve and Cindy Wright say about “Right Fighting” and avoiding arguments merely to “prove you are right, than to work on and save the relationship.”
6. Be willing to compromise.
Be willing to meet each other halfway when it comes to certain differences you may have.
7. Have fun!
Marriage doesn’t have to be monotonous. Whether this means keeping the romance alive, having date nights, being adventurous, traveling or even being more kinky and sexual, make time for the things you enjoy. Find ways to keep the date nights going even if you have to schedule it once a month.
8. Don’t compare your marriage to others.
What may work for another marriage may not work for yours. Furthermore, everything we see isn’t always what it seems. So, don’t get caught up in what you see or think about other couples.
9. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Don’t let toilet paper, toothpaste, quirky habits, cleaning habits (or lack thereof) or other minor nuances turn into major issues that will tear you apart. I’ve definitely learned, and I’m still learning, which battles to choose.
10. Fellowship and surround yourself around other married couples.
Being around others who share similar experiences help remind you that you’re not the only one dealing with certain types of issues. When necessary, seek advice and counsel from people you can trust.
11. Don’t let social media interfere or ruin the marriage.
Remember, just because they’re a Facebook friend doesn’t mean they’re a true friend, which means everybody doesn’t need to know everything. Also, just because they showed up for the wedding doesn’t mean they’ll show up for your marriage. Some people are waiting to see you fail, and the last thing you want to do is potentially open the door for outside influences to interfere with your marriage.
12. The “D” word is off limits.
In other words, try your best to keep the word “divorce” out of your mouth and your home. If possible, avoid the topic and bringing it up when arguments and disagreements arise.
I could go on for days about each one of these and I’m sure I could add even more to this list, but I figured I’d save you some reading time. Feel free to leave a comment and share some of your best marriage advice as well if you’d like.
*Great Books:
“The Power of a Praying Woman” By Stormie Omartian
“The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” By Gary D. Chapman
“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” John M. Gottman
