I Trusted Myself More Than God

Frustration, anger, hurt, heartache, grief, pain, confusion – at some point in our lives, we all experience these types of emotions. It’s inevitable that sometimes things won’t always go as planned. We lose our jobs, we experience personal illnesses or health issues, unexpected death and grief and/or we become overwhelmed with everyday struggles and responsibilities that come with relationships, marriage, raising children and so much more.

There was a time when I definitely reached a low point due to the stress in my life. I was overwhelmed with certain aspects of my life. Besides my personal issues within myself (self-esteem, lack of motivation, feeling stuck), I was in a position at work that was literally driving me crazy and found myself working tirelessly with no end in sight. I was sad about the health realities of some of my family members and eventually had to deal with the passing of some our most beloved relatives.

On top of all that, I was literally in a place where I didn’t want to be, which of course also affected my interactions with my husband because of my melancholy state of mind or inconsistent mood patterns. There was obviously a reason why God had me there, but during this low moment I was having trouble seeing it and believing it.

It was just hard for me – physically, spiritually and mentally. I couldn’t sleep at night, I was full of anxiety, my mind was constantly going and I found myself crying uncontrollably at times. But what did I do? I did what most of us would do and went on about my merry way. I stayed busy and put on my happy face as much as I could around others, but at home it was as if I was another person. I didn’t want anyone to know just how bad it was for me at that time, which I later realized wasn’t the best idea.

It was so bad that one night I literally had a panic attack. I was lying in the bed trying to get comfortable and all of sudden my chest felt heavy and painful. I had trouble breathing and felt like I was going to pass out. I could literally hear my heart beat and it was beating so fast. I was totally oblivious to what was going on but my husband quickly realized what was happening. I was having a panic attack…something I had never experienced before in my life. It was so scary. Thankfully, moments later, he was able to help settle and calm me down and I eventually fell asleep.

The next day I actually felt a little embarrassed – embarrassed because I felt like I was too strong and too positive to allow myself to feel that way. I remember thinking, “How did I let myself get to this point?” Natural instinct made it easy for me to want to blame God and ask, “Why God?” But instead I found myself asking, “Why Shonda? Why are you not praying as much? Why are you lacking faith? Why are you carrying the burdens when God told you to give it to Him? Why don’t you trust God?” It was obvious that I trusted myself more than I trusted God because there was no way I could handle everything on my own.

Reality check: I needed a spiritual tune-up.

I figured if I truly wanted things to change, I needed to show God I was serious. I needed to show Him I was committed to His will and was truly dependent on Him and no one else.  I needed to do it God’s way, not my way. Up until then, I was praying and praying but still worrying. If I was all the way honest, there were days when I didn’t even have the strength to form a prayer.

But this time, instead of praying and worrying I started praying and believing. I didn’t rely on how powerful or strong my prayer was, I relied on the power and strength of God. I cut off any distractions that I knew would distract me so I could truly hear and recognize His voice – especially social media. Sometimes the negative white noise around us can cloud our judgment, so I didn’t need anyone or anything to make it harder for me to discern between God’s voice and everyone else’s voice.

Once I did this, that’s when I really started to see the shift in all areas of my life. It didn’t happen overnight, but it happened when it needed to. I started to see things differently and the Lord started to do a new thing in me. Everything I had prayed for and needed right then and there, God made it happen. You know it’s God when something you’ve tried to do on your own finally comes to fruition but everything seems to come together so seamlessly. That’s not to say that it didn’t take faith, work and effort on my part as well, but the ride was smoother because God was steering the wheel.

Hence, that is why I love Proverbs 3:5, 6 so much, and it says,

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

I realized it wasn’t about me and my plans; rather, it was about God’s plans.  I realized that even though things didn’t appear to be going as planned (so I thought), God was actually still working it out. I realized that having faith in God doesn’t necessarily mean that you trust Him to give you everything you want; rather it’s about trusting Him to give you what you need.

Although this was a tough time in my life spiritually, it actually strengthened me in the end and taught me some vital lessons that I’d like to quickly share with you as well.

• God needs to know we trust and depend on Him.
• Prayer and fasting really changes things! 
• Only God is able and big enough to do what we, ourselves, can only imagine.
• In prayer, be sincere, be consistent, be specific and be patient.
• When we try to do it our way it doesn’t always flow, but when we do it God’s way it overflows.
• Never be afraid to ask for help to those you can trust – whether that’s asking for others to pray for/with you or to even seek counseling.

None of us are exempt from obstacles but we’re all equipped with the power and strength of God to handle them. Yes, we will have good days and “not so good” days, BUT GOD. Sometimes, we just have to dig a little deeper, pray a little harder, believe and depend on Him a little more and work a little harder to tap into the strength given to us by God. Even when it doesn’t make sense, when we feel like things aren’t going our way, when we feel lost, when the pain is just too much or when we feel stuck… remember to depend and trust God no matter what.

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