How To Overcome 5 Common Newlywed Nuisances

A lot of people assume that when you get married the first year is the easiest, but that’s not always true. When you experience financial struggles, grief, an unexpected move, and a plethora of other obstacles on top of the basic vicissitudes that come with marriage, it can be a bit overwhelming.

But guess what? My husband and I made it through. Happy marriages aren’t perfect marriages. Just like a growing toddler, you will experience some bumps and bruises along the way, but you will keep growing. We always see the “highlight reel” when it comes to relationships and marriages, but here are five things that you may experience as a newlywed, or even later in your marriage, and some tips for overcoming the obstacles.

Cohabitation

Unless you’re already living together, moving in together can be quite challenging. The realization that you have to acclimate yourself with someone else’s habits and their routines can be tedious. For example, my husband and I realized our definitions of “clean” were totally different. So, to keep from killing each other (figuratively speaking), we had to find ways to split up certain tasks based on each others’ strengths and weaknesses.

Whether it’s arguing about how to roll the toilet paper (over or under), sleeping habits, critiquing each other’s driving or cleaning habits (or lack thereof), or the toilet seat (even though I always check before I go) – all of it can seem minor until it becomes a consistent sore spot in the marriage. That’s why it’s so important that you don’t allow minor issues to turn into major issues. We actually know couples who purchase separate toothpastes because they constantly argue about whether to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle versus the bottom. Regardless of how petty that may sound, they found a way to make it work to avoid having those repeated, yet minor, arguments.

Newlywed Tip: It’s always helpful to remind or ask yourself: 1) Is it worth the argument (choose your battles), 2) Am I sweating the small stuff too much, and 3) But did you die (slightly sarcastic)? If the answer is “no” and the situation is extremely petty, then it’s probably not worth the argument.

Cash and Coins (Finances)  

Whether it’s related to salaries, layoffs, different opinions about finances, or different spending habits, – financial issues can creep up and cause discord in your relationship. Topics like: separate vs. joint accounts, bills, credit scores and history, etc. are critical items that should be discussed. The most logical thing to do is to discuss these types of things upfront, but sometimes love finds you and emotions overpower logic.

Sometimes, financial issues occur that are out of your control. For instance, Eric and I got married in the midst of the recession. Like most people, layoffs and less paying jobs were the reality for us. Although we didn’t spend as much (not even close) to the amount that most would imagine you’d spend on a wedding, we were still struggling financially. Not to mention, the job market in Atlanta was scarce. So, we had to pack up our stuff and move to a completely new, and unfamiliar city in a matter of few weeks. It was yet another thing we hadn’t planned for that brought about additional stress.

It was difficult and it caused a lot of strain in our marriage. However, I think sometimes God wants to see just how committed you are and how you handle a certain season of marriage (or anything for that matter) before He takes you into a new season. In our vows, we said, “For better or worse,” and it was clear to me that ‘the worse’ was coming before ‘the better.’ However, one thing’s for certain – no matter how bad the arguments were and no matter how hard we struggled, we didn’t let the financial issues completely drain us (pun intended)…and you shouldn’t either.

Newlywed Tip: If, or when, the financial issues arise, remember to be honest and upfront with each other and be willing to work together as a team.

Communication

They say the key to long-lasting love and marriage is communication, but I’m willing to argue that it’s really effective communication. Like they say, “it’s not always what you say but how you say it.” The wedding day and getting married can feel so euphoric, but it doesn’t always feel that way especially when reality sets in and you experience that first blow-up. That’s when you realize that both of you aren’t necessarily communicating as great as you thought you would be. It can be discouraging at first, but it’s totally normal because all couples have disagreements especially if you have different types of personalities and communication styles.

For example, my husband can be very analytical, straightforward, yet argumentative, and I, on the other hand, can be emotional and a bit dramatic at times. Hence, sometimes his words pierce like a sharp tongue and I’m not prepared to hear or receive what he has to say. Now, we’re more cognizant of the intent behind our words and how we talk to each other when we say certain things including the hard truths. Moreover, when things get too heated, we take the time to cool off.

Newlywed Tip: Never hit below the belt. Strive to communicate, not humiliate. Apologize sooner – don’t allow your pride to let an argument linger.

Compromise and Consideration

It’s hard to go from making decisions by yourself and for yourself, and then to making them with someone else in mind. Learning to compromise and being considerate of others is critical for any type of relationship. It’s simple – if we fail to compromise, we fail to harmonize. Compromise could be as simple as deciding on what to do for date night, deciding to put away phones at dinner, assigning chores, or it could be more involved like deciding how it goes down in the bedroom, or deciding where to go and spend the holidays.

Newlywed Tip: Instead of thinking or saying, “This is what I need from you,” get in the mindset and habit of asking, “What can I do for you?”

Collision of Two Histories  

I love the quote that says: “Marriage is the collision of two histories.” It’s so true because regardless of the fact that two people become one, your background and past experiences ultimately shape who you are. For example, my husband came from a home where his mother and dad were married, while I came from a single-parent home. So, his image and perspective of marriage was slightly different from mine.

Since he came from a big family and was used to being around so many children, he wanted kids as soon as possible, but I didn’t. I saw the women and men of my family do certain things around the house, but he didn’t (and vice versa); not to mention the fact that I was used to being independent and doing a lot of things on my own anyway. Needless to say, we had different views about a few things, so we had to figure out a way to do what was best for us – not what we were used to seeing from others.

Newlywed Tip: What may have worked for your parents, family, or friends, may not work for you. Besides, you’re not married to them anyway. Always do what’s best for your marriage.

So, whether you’re married, headed to the altar, or you’re concerned about some of these issues, just know that you’re not alone and you can and will get through it.