How do I get my man to open up more?

What is a girl to do if her man doesn’t open up as much she’d like him to?

This actually came up in a discussion with my husband one night when he told me, “Babe, you really helped me open up more. You make me feel comfortable talking to you.”

I thought…really? In that moment, I realized there was a time when he wasn’t as forthcoming about certain things, but things are different now.

Believe it or not, men can be just as vulnerable especially when it comes to their wife or their girlfriend. Based on my observations of others and my personal experiences, here’s what I have found has worked for us – all of which could easily be applied to both men and women.

1. Be respectful.

You want to get your man to open up more? Show him how much you respect him. Lack of respect can easily lead to lack of communication. Eric has told me that one of the reasons why it’s easy for him to open up to me is because he knows I respect him. Not only should we show respect in what we say, but we have to creating an atmosphere of adoration whether at home or in public.

When it comes to respect, there are three key components: adoration, appreciation and affection. I understand how important it is to my man, so I make it my business to respect him as much as I can. The last thing I want is to have someone outside of our marriage giving him more respect than I do within our marriage.

2. Be open to different methods of communication. 

What’s the saying, “It’s not always what you say but how you say it.” I would go on to say that the medium used to communicate or deliver the message matters sometimes (e.g., face to face, hand-written, text messages, greeting card, email, etc.). At times, technology can ruin the intent of what’s being said, but sometimes it can help communicate exactly what you’re feeling.

Because Eric has moments when he can communicate more effectively in writing, sometimes he will do that instead. There have been plenty of days when I woke up to a love letter, poem or even an apology letter sitting next to my computer. Then, there are days when it’s easier for him to communicate with me via text and I’m fine with that. It all just depends on the timing and what’s being said. Either way, it’s okay to change it up. We’re open to whatever makes each other feel the most comfortable at the time. We encourage it and we welcome it.

3. Don’t be judgmental.

When it comes to what Eric and I talk about, there’s really nothing off limits. We already know so much about each other’s past as well as our current struggles. So, we don’t have room to judge each other because we know we don’t have squeaky clean pasts. I have learned to accept my husband for who he is, and he definitely accepts me for who I am, which in turn makes him comfortable and more willing to share things with me. Because really…besides divine intervention and “opposites attract,” how else could a “type A” personality fit so well with and a creative, free-spirited person if we didn’t accept each other – flaws and all?

It’s kind of like when we talk to our girlfriends and we start the conversation off with, “Okay don’t judge me but…” and then we proceed to share our stories. Although we may not agree, we can still listen and refrain from forcing our opinions or judgment on them. The same is true when it comes to our men when they come and talk to us. I want to be my husband’s number one fan, not his number one critic.

4. Encourage him to talk by asking questions.

A quick and easy way to gauge how supportive and encouraging I am towards my man is to ask myself: “What are the first few words or sentences I say to him when he comes home after work,” or “What do I say to him when I first see or talk to him after a long’s day of work?” I can admit…there have been days when Eric has walked through the door, or even received a text on the way home, and was greeted with, “Why did you…” instead of “How are you?”

My husband is the type of person who doesn’t really complain about anything. While it’s a great quality to have, unfortunately it causes him to internalize a lot. Instead of venting to me, he’ll refrain from talking about whatever it is that’s on his mind. However, interestingly enough, eventually it comes out in some way and I can usually tell if something is going on with him because I know him. So, when that happens I just probe to try and get him to open up. I say something like, “Hey, what’s going on? Anything on your mind you want to talk about?”

Regardless of who you are, we all have to talk some things out every now and then. Plus, he’s a black man living in America…need I say more. While we can’t complain about the things God has blessed us with, we also can’t deny the fact that our men feel things, they see things and they go through a lot – mentally, spiritually, and even physically. My goal, as his wife, is to create a welcoming and loving atmosphere so that he knows when he comes home, I’ll be there to listen.

5. Be Patient.

For me, being patient means giving my husband the time he needs, and sometimes that means waiting a bit longer to give him a chance to express what he’s feeling. It means talking less and listening more. Being patient means not giving up just because he isn’t being as forthcoming as I want him to be at that moment. Being patient can also be as simple as waiting for the game to go off before starting a deep and involved discussion; realizing that he probably won’t be fully engaged anyway while the game is on. This isn’t always the case of course, but it definitely helps in our household.

Eric on the other hand is the type of person who will sometimes hold things in and let it fester until he reaches a point where it all blows up. So, we have had situations where he’ll bring up something totally out of the blue and I’ll ask, “Well, why didn’t you say anything before?” That’s when I have to remind him that holding onto things isn’t healthy for anyone.

There are other times when I think Eric is feeling some type of way or holding onto something, and I’m 100% wrong. One thing he’s taught me, which seems to be true for a lot of other guys, is that sometimes he is actually thinking about absolutely nothing. He ventures off to this place I like to call his “upper room;” it’s where he goes to escape mentally to calm his mind, think about sports, news or his fantasy sports…or just to ignore me (LOL). Nevertheless, I have learned to be patient knowing that his ability to express his emotions may not always come easy, but they will come with time.

When it comes to getting our men to open up more, it really comes down to understanding their nature as men, but staying committed to encouraging them to open up more.