10 Things I Didn’t Know Before I Got Married

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love being married and how blessed I feel to be able to experience true love. I will admit, however, there have been times when I’ve thought, “Uhhh, why didn’t anyone tell me this?” Don’t get me wrong…had I known then what I knew now would I still have married my husband? Absolutely.  Think of it more like the book, “What to Expect When Expecting” as it relates to pregnancy. Even though you can’t prepare for everything, having an idea of what to expect helps you feel a little more confident and prepared when it actually does happen.

 

1. It’s totally normal to experience “growing pains.”

I used to ask myself, “Are we the only couple arguing about this type of stuff,” until I realized that a lot of my married friends experience the same things. We even laugh about a lot of it now. Some people try to act like their marriage is perfect but it’s all an illusion because nobody and no marriage is perfect.  Although some problems may be more serious than others, everyone has issues.

Like any major change in our lives, there’s always an adjustment period. It’s inevitable that you’ll find yourself arguing about some of the most irrelevant things like: toilet paper, the toilet seat, quirky habits, dishes, etc. Hubby and I are constantly reminding each other, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” or we’ll tell each other, “But did you die” as a way to bring some perspective to the minor stuff. Whether big or small, you have to trust and believe that it will get better as each year passes, and when things get a little rough don’t be afraid to reach up and reach out for help.

2. “For better” or “for worse” doesn’t always happen in that order and every day won’t feel like the honeymoon. 

Just like seasons change, sometimes marriage seasons change. Our first year of marriage was literally one of the hardest years for us because of everything we dealt with: new marriage, new move to a different city, recession, lay-offs, death/grief, etc. Sometimes it’s not always easy but it’s easy to think “what did I get myself into” especially when  things aren’t going as planned. BUT GOD! Sometimes we have to fall down in order to look up, and sometimes we just need to be more patient and trust God.

Because we previously lived in a city where we didn’t have as many friends and family, it forced us to rely and depend on each other, and God, that much more. It drew us closer in ways that wouldn’t have necessarily happened had God not took us out of our comfort zones. I’ve learned that sometimes God wants to know if we really meant “for better or for worse” or were they merely just words.That’s why the “D” word isn’t even allowed in our household when it comes to arguments and disagreements. We have to continue to prove to Him that we meant what we said and we’re committed to Him and each other.

3. Compromise is just as important as communication.

People always talk about communication being the key to a lasting relationship, and that’s true, but no one really told me how important it is to compromise. If we fail to compromise for each other, then we fail to harmonize together. Even though it’s difficult, there are times when you have to sacrifice your plans or your wants for the other person. Someone once said, “If you really want to get to know yourself, get married because that’s when you really learn a lot about yourself.”

A lot of what has happened in my life and in my husband’s life has shaped us into the human beings we are, and what may have worked for us as single people may not work for us as a married unit. I think my husband would agree that we’ve both learned a lot about ourselves even as simple as the fact that he’s a morning person and I’m not. Another example – my husband is the only child so he’s learning how to be less selfish and more giving, and since I was raised without my biological father in the home I’m learning how to be less independent and let my man be a man.

We’re also learning how to compromise when it comes to literal tasks as it relates to “domestic” responsibilities and helping each other with different tasks. That’s what compromise is about – meeting each other halfway and making it work for each other so no one feels like the other person is doing all the work.

4. Be aware of “right fighting” and avoid it at all costs.

I read one of the best articles about marriage the other day from Steve and Cindy Wright related to “Right Fighting” (“Marriage Tips from Proverbs”). “Right fighting” is when we engage in arguments focused solely on “proving who’s right vs. working work to save the relationship.” I’m guilty of this at times, because of course both of us would rather be right than wrong especially my husband due to his experience and background in the legal field. He was practically trained to argue. So, there are plenty of times when I have to remind him, “I’m not on the witness stand.” Simply put, listening, apologizing and choosing to move on is definitely more important and beneficial than trying to have the last word.

5. Every person has different methods or opinions when it comes to cleaning.

Eric and I definitely don’t see eye to eye when it comes to our cleaning habits, but I’ve yet to meet a couple who both shared the same passion and thoughts about cleaning. I can’t even begin to tell you how many petty arguments Eric and I have had related to cleaning (or lack thereof). But we were reminded during a counseling session that we have to find simple resolutions to things like this. For example, that could may mean he may have to deal with the fact that I can clean for hours and I have to get used to the fact that he doesn’t mind leaving random socks or other articles of clothing on the floor. Annoying at times? Yes, because Eric hates having to wake up early to clean and I can’t stand random things on the floor. However, it’s still small in the grand scheme of things.

6. Each person gives and receives “love” in different ways.

I love the book The 5 Love Languages because it really gets to the core of how people receive and give love. I used to get so upset when I would give my husband a gift or something he really liked and he wouldn’t react with the enthusiasm or excitement I expected to receive. However, I learned that “gift giving” wasn’t necessarily his love language. Knowing each other’s preferences and love language will help provide a better understanding of each other. It can easily be the difference between an argument lasting a few moments and an argument lasting a few days.

7. Just because they showed up for the wedding doesn’t mean they’ll show up for your marriage.  

I hate to say it but everybody who was at your wedding won’t be there if and when you need them. Nevertheless, be careful and discern how much and when to tell others when you’re going through certain situations. Telling people too much can result in giving other people too much control over your marriage. You and your spouse may have moved on from a certain situation, but certain people – including your family – will hold grudges and try to make you hold onto things. At times they’re coming from a place of care and concern, and sometimes it’s actually necessary if it’s detrimental and life-threatening, but other times that’s not always the case, because unfortunately not everyone wants to see you happy and in love.

Furthermore, please understand that just because people are married doesn’t mean they’re happily married. So, choose your married friends wisely. Surround yourself with other positive, married couples. Every marriage has their ups and downs, but when you’re going through a difficult season you need support from those who will encourage and sincerely pray with and for you; not try to tear you apart.

8. Women will try to get at your husband even more (and vice versa).

If you thought your spouse was a catch before you got married, the ladies/men will think the same about them even more after you get married. Even when I got engaged, there were men coming out of nowhere or from my past trying to apologize, make-up, or reminisce about what could’ve been, but like my husband likes to quote from a song, “Don’t get mad at me because you dropped your dime and I picked it up.”

Some women will see how good of a man he is to you, and because they’re so desperate to have what you have, they may even try to take your place. So, keep your eyes open – both ladies and gentleman. As they say, “The thirst is real.”

9. Don’t become too complacent.

It’s easy for men and women to become complacent with marriage. For men, it’s easy to forget about things like romance, courting and doing things to make us feel special. For women, it’s easy for us to forget how fun it is to dress up, how to keep it fun and sexy (in and out the bedroom) or the “wifey” things that we couldn’t wait to do before we got married. Everyday won’t feel like the honeymoon, and that’s okay because life isn’t a fairytale. Just make sure you two check-in with each other, keep the lines of communication open, and keep having fun!

10. Don’t compare your marriage to others.

Don’t look at other people’s marriages and say, “well why don’t we do that,” or “why don’t you do that for me.” Every couple is different. There is a difference between learning from other couples and envying other couples. Plus, you never know what’s going on behind closed doors or beyond social media. While one couple may seem to have all of the money, all of the fun, and all of the glitz and glam, they could be on the brinks of a disaster because they lack the intimacy and passion for each other. You just never know.

A Bishop once said at a marriage conference, “Marriage is the collision of two histories, but you have to create your own, new history.” That means, our compromises and our marriage may not look like other peoples’ marriage and it’s okay to do things differently than what you’re used to. At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you and your marriage.

#TheMarriedLife is awesome, and it is my prayer and my hope that my marriage and your marriage is blessed and is a blessing to others. Always remember that you’re not alone, and everything I’ve talked about is pretty normal for just about every person that is married.

For more tips and advice about marriage, check out, “I’m married. Now What,” and other great posts on shondabrownwhite.com.