8 Marriage Myths Debunked by Married Men
After being married nearly 10 years, I have learned a lot about myself, my husband, and marriage. Before actually experiencing life as a wife, some of what I thought or heard about marriage was merely hearsay, and sometimes what I heard varied based on who I talked to.
Eventually, I realized that everything people tell you about marriage, before or after you get married, isn’t always true or applicable for your marriage – whether good or bad. There is always an exception to the rule with most anything, but a lot of what we hear is based on false illusions or misconceptions about marriage.
Instead of only sharing some marriage myths that I’ve come to realize are not always true, I decided to enlist the help of my husband and a few other married men as well.* Most of them have been married for at least five to ten plus years, and one has been married for even more than thirty years.
1. Your life stops and you will no longer have a social life.
People often assume that life slows down when you tie the not. However, a lot of times you end up experiencing so many new things because you’re married to your best friend. Does that mean you have to do everything together? No. Both Eric and I love spending time with each other, but we also enjoy hanging out with our friends as well. Just because certain things may change in terms of where you hang out, who you hang out with, or how often doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life.
2. The first year is the easiest year.
Contrary to popular belief, the first year doesn’t always feel like the honeymoon. Even though you may have put in a lot of work with planning the wedding, the real work officially starts the day after you get married. Eric and I had to deal with not only the everyday growing pains of living together and getting to know each other more, but we also dealt with a recession, layoffs, and grief all in the same year. So, one can imagine just how difficult that was for us. Nevertheless, I’m glad to know that even though we’re still growing and learning, every year gets better and the love gets sweeter. Remember, when you declare “for better or worse,” just know that sometimes “the worse” may come before “the better,” but you can make it through.
3. You won’t have sex.
Not only will people say that you won’t have sex as often, some will tell you the sex is boring. That’s not to say that each spouse will feel like swinging from the chandeliers every single day. However, you’d be surprised at the new things, games, and even toys you’d be willing to try to keep it romantic and spicy in the bedroom.
4. Ladies shouldn’t wear scarves to bed.
I used to hear this ALL THE TIME before I got married. It wasn’t until I got married and realized that my husband really doesn’t care – even when it’s about to “go down” in the bedroom. I don’t even wear a scarf all the time, but quite honestly, it’s the LEAST of your worries when it comes to marriage in general. Of course there are some men and women who may care – and that’s fine; to each its own – but just about every guy I talked to admitted that they couldn’t care less about a scarf. Plus, a scarf is usually the last thing on someone’s mind when its time to make love.
5. You won’t be happy.
There’s such a gleeful and awe-inspiring feeling knowing that you love someone overwhelmingly and they love you back just as much. Even though you know you could go on without each other, part of the reason why you decide to commit to each other is so that you don’t have to. Even though my husband and I can confidently say that we were happy before we met each other, we can also admit that being together has allowed us to experience a happiness like never before.
Now, don’t get me wrong…some people will make you believe that you will always be happy, but that’s not the case. As with most anything – parenting, working, building a business, being successful, and yes, marriage – every day won’t feel like sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows. I’ve learned that a happy couple isn’t one without hardships or obstacles; rather, they’re a couple who have chosen to fight more for each other than against each other.
6. Each person has to maintain traditional gender roles.
It’s 2018…which means what may have worked for our parents or grandparents back in the day may not necessarily work for us today. I love the quote that says, “Marriage is the collision of two histories. That’s why you have to create your own history.” For example, I’m the main cook in our house, but I have plenty of friends whose husbands do most of the cooking, and mainly because they’re better at it or it’s more convenient for them.
At the end of the day, you have to do what works best for your household and your family based on your household dynamics – whether that’s cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, taking care of the kids, or even handling the finances. That’s why they call it a “helpmate” – so you can help each other.
7. You can’t have friends of the opposite sex.
As long as the friendship isn’t harmful, toxic, disrespectful, or poses a potential risk (i.e., an ex who can’t let go, a so-called friend who has confessed their undying love for your spouse despite them being married,), then it’s easy to make friendships work with the opposite sex. Just remember to be open, honest, and inclusive with your spouse, and know your boundaries – you and the friend.
8. Your mate and your marriage will be perfect.
I like how one of the husbands on the “Black Love” docuseries from the OWN network put it when he said, “You don’t know your actual capacity to love is until your love has been tested.” In other words, sometimes it takes going through some obstacles together or pushing through the growing pains to fully understand or realize just how much you love someone. Many times, that’s when you realize just how strong your love is for one another.
As with anything in life, if you want to be successful, then you have to work hard at it. The same is true when it comes to marriage. Similar to a house with a strong foundation, sometimes you may have to perform some preventative maintenance or repair a few things inside of the home/marriage. However, as time goes on, the marriage (like the house) can, and will, withstand just about any season and every obstacle that comes its way.
For those of you who are married, feel free to comment below or share other myths you have found to be untrue. If you aren’t married, let us know what other things you’ve heard and us married folk can help answer if it’s true or not.
*Thank you to my husband and all of the married men who provided their honest and genuine contribution. Shout-out to all the married folks out there! Let’s keep it going!